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This isn’t intended as a “one true way”ism, or to say this happens to everyone; but it’s been on my mind recently because it’s something that I, and I know other S-types I’ve talked to, deal with in D/s.
I get a lot out of D/s, besides the obvious of fun hot kinky sexy enjoyment. There’s a sense of peace, general anxiety reduction, and comfort in my moment-to-moment, day-to-day life that comes from feeling controlled and owned. It feels safe knowing there’s “guard rails” of sorts. That even when I’m not being actively controlled, dominance can be exerted and control removed from me.
When I first entered the BDSM community, I identified as a dom. Then as a switch. Now I’m primarily interested in lifestyle submission when I’m able to live it, but certainly still switchy to an extent and a sadist.
So, I do understand the dominant drive–creating that place of safety and peace for someone, and gaining that trust, feels very rewarding, too. But within an individual relationship where I’m the sub, it’s still hard to see it sometimes. I just see the effort and time and energy being put into creating that space for me, and feel like nothing they are getting in return could compare to the peace it gives me.
And so the “pratfall” line of thinking goes something like this:
- Sub feels really happy and peaceful and loved and owned from the control in their life by their dom <3
- Sub starts worrying that the dom isn’t getting as much from the relationship; because how could anything compare to how happy and content they feel?
- Sub wants to give more, but is unsure what the dom is getting out of it, so they don’t know what they have to give.
- Sub reflects on what they know the dom likes. Praise in BDSM is so often directional to the sub. It’s “good girl for doing <insert thing here>, you make me so proud.”
- One of two things happens: sub tries to do more in that activity and task-focused area, and may end-up pushing limits they shouldn’t push or aren’t ready to. Or, sub just reflects on all of the praise they get for the activities and play, which they enjoy in the first place on top of the sense of peace they’re getting from the dynamic, and just feels guilty.
“I feel like this relationship is imbalanced. I want to give more. I don’t know what to give.” You know that at the very least, they like when you do things that you get praise for. So you do those things. And you want to do more of those things. And then sometimes aren’t sure what else you can do of those things, and then feel guilty or push limits you shouldn’t. I think it’s easy to fall into this line of thought, regardless of how long you’ve done D/s for.
Even if “academically” I can understand what the dom is getting from the dynamic, or can remember things I have gotten from being in a dominant role, the feeling and line of thought is still there at times. But, just knowing that this line of thinking exists–and from conversations I’ve had, is very common in D/s relationships–can help interrupt it. If it creeps into my head, I remember that my dom gets a lot out of the dynamic, too, that goes beyond just play. The trust I give makes them feel good too, and is empowering just like the peace I feel is empowering to me.
I think the other thing that can be done, besides just knowing the pattern of thought and interrupting it, is the dom examining the praise that they use. There’s a difference between:
- “Good girl, you took that spanking well, I’m proud of how strong you are taking so many hits”
and- “Good girl, you took that spanking well. I’m grateful for your submission and trust.”
They’re both very nice things to say and that I want to hear! But the latter also explains the “what my dom is getting out of this holistically besides kinky sexy fun that compares to what I get holistically besides the kinky sexy fun.”
Update: 4/3/23
Related, sometimes it may be that you’re getting the wrong attention so it never feels like you get anything back or never understand what they value about you. Flatly asking your dom if they feel they need something from you emotionally they aren’t getting can be a good communication starter.There’s another thing I’ve kinda come to learn is critical on all of this, and I wanted to add:
The thing is, while we as s-types can feel like it’s this incredible gift being given to us–it actually is. It takes a lot of energy to provide and facilitate D/s stuff on their side, too. That isn’t said to make this all feel even worse and like it’s impossible to ever provide back, but the opposite! There’s two take-aways:
- If it takes so much energy and all of the happy-subby-contentment really is such a gift, then clearly your dom must be getting something out of it or they wouldn’t do it in the first place. So remember and meditate on that and try not to worry too much.
- It’s a lot of energy to facilitate D/s for a sub. Make sure you aren’t saying something that could feel invalidating of the energy they put in–saying how much you want to please and do more for them is great when it’s meaningful, but if it gives them a feeling like they aren’t giving you enough then they end up in this very same pratfall and guilt that I’m describing. But, now, it’s on the other side of “I’m putting so much energy and effort into trying to provide my sub with all the things they need, and yet they still need more and I feel stuck and…” So be specific in praise like this. Tell them you appreciate all of the energy they put into you. Most doms also need reassurance and aftercare.
Again, this isn’t really intended as a PSA or a guide or anything like that. Just a journaling of a D/s topic that has been on my mind. And if it’s helpful for someone else to read, then that’s fantastic.
As always, communicate lot’s–especially on what you are grateful for from the people in your life.
